Irish Infertility Support Forums

[evee]

Just a quick suggestion to all newcomers to the site.

How about giving a brief insight into your infertility story, a few short lines so that we know where you are at. Its hard to get to know everyone when they reply to an existing post but at least if we all had a small introduction to you- you'd feel right at home here!!

ANy other suggestions to make the site "Newcomer Friendly" greatly appreciated...

Evee.x
_________________
TTC- 2006
9 months clomid,TSI, all bfn
IUI's March 09,April 09-both bfn's.
IVF #1 Mar 2010 bfn(Severe OHSS)
IVF #2....Oct 2010
28,DH 34

[Beaches]

I am a new comer to this site though not unfortunately to infertility. I actually joined up here a few months back and could never build up the courage to submit a post but now a further failed ICSI under our belts and I feel I have nowhere to turn so here I am. This is our fourth failed ICSI but the pain and the desperation I feel this time round is nothing compared to the past, I cannot put it into words this time - I am just an empty shell.
I've just turned 35, dh is 38.
A brief history:
DH diagnosed with very low sperm count, poor motility and poor morphology October '07. I appeared perfectly 'normal'
ICSI no. 1 April '08 'amazing' blastocyst transferred BFN
ICSI no. 2 May '09 2 blastocysts transferred, chemical pregnancy
ICSI no. 3 October '09 6 eggs collected, none fertilised
We changed clinics at this point as the director had told us he'd recommend exactly the same protocol for a fourth cycle!!

New clinic: TESE December '09 showed sperm much worse than initially thought. Advised we proceed with donor sperm in the next cycle
ICSI no. 4 Febuary '10 (donor sperm) 2 grade 1 morulas transfered on day 5 BFN

That was two weeks ago today and I cannot stop crying. Maybe it was the the fact that we used donor this time that we thought we were overcoming all the obstacles - the higher you climb the harder you fall.

I feel so empty - I think that's the only word I can use to describe it. I don't know where I fit in anywhere anymore - all my friends have babies, all my work colleagues have NEW babies, my sisters have babies and there's a new one emminent, my in-laws and even niece-in-laws have babies and I have nothing just a huge empty hole reminding me what a failure I am.

I am not at all this negative person by nature yet I can't seem to overcome the devastation this time. I can't face the world. I don't know what I would do without DH at the moment.
Has anyone ever felt this bad and come out the other side because I can't see it at the moment?

[pinkquaver]

oh man beaches i couldn't not reply. You are not not not a failure. Sometimes you need people to tell you that a hundred times before you start to believe it. You've had a terrible disappointment and you are allowed to feel devastated. I only have a minute but please know this is not the end of your life or of your potential for happiness. Whether it comes from having children or not, somehow, some way you will pick yourself up because you have to, like so many people on this site have done and continue to do. Treat yourself and stay on site for the support you need. That's what it is here for. Good luck to you
_________________
I used to be blue...
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TTC since December 2005
Ectopic May 2007
Miscarriage June 2008
February 2009 BFP with Glucophage & Clomid
DS born November 2009. No words.

[emily]

Dear Beaches,
I am so so sorry to hear of all your pain, it is so understandable, i have felt that awful - about a year ago when my IVF was cancelled and it was a real possibility it would never work for us, and I had not even gone through as many cycles as you. It takes great bravery, i wish with all my heart your dream comes true and very soon. Life is just so unfair, please feel welcome here, sending you a big (((((HUG)))))
xo Emily
_________________
me 34, DH 35, TTC 2.5 years
mild endo, pre-menstrual spotting, high FSH
IUI no 1 BFN clomid
IUI no 2 cancelled clomid
IUI no 3 BFN Gonal F injx
IUI no 4 BFN Gonal F injx
IVF no 1 Jan 09-cancelled poor response
IVF no 2 March 09- BFP!!!
1st Dec 09- our little treasure, Sophie, arrived!!!!

[Beaches]

Thanks pinkquaver and Emily. It really does help to see that things do work out for people in our situation. Congratulations to both of you on the arrival of your beautiful miracles.
xx

[TaraM]

Beaches I understand and totally feel your pain. You were also dead right to charge your protocol. Did you think about autoimmunes as well - the treatment is for people with recurrent impantation failure.

This site is a great support, you can say things here that you wouldn't normally say to anyone - and some crazy stuff can go through your head sometimes.

The main thing is that you are not alone.

Lots of love and luck.

TaraM
_________________
ttc for 7 years
Aug 2004 - Fresh Cycle - ICSI - BFN
March, Nov 2005-2 Frozen Cycles - BFN
Nov 2007 - Fresh Cycle - ICSI, Blast -BFN
Feb 2010 - Fresh Cycle - ICSI with donor sperm, Blast - BFP
35

[Tuscany]

Beaches, everything you are feeling is so normal. I have definately felt this low. It seems to build up from one cycle to the next. You must be a really strong person to have gone through as much as you have and still be trying. It takes so much courage just to make it through seeing some of those family members so don't be so hard on yourself. When i was that low, i really needed to take a break from everything and focus on doing things that made me feel like i was living. I only needed a couple of months but the hardest thing was to admit i needed to look after me and not worry about what other people thought. It has only been a few weeks since your last treatment. you are bound to feel so upset and devastated. We are all here for you. Take care of you hon.xxx
_________________
TTC Dec 06 Me 32, Dh 34
Mild endo, high fsh (so not much time left!)
5 x IUI, 3 cancelled, 2 BFN
IVF Sept 08 BFN Devastated
Oct 08 Natural BFP
M/c 6weeks 5 days, Worst day of my life.
FET end of Feb '09, cancelled and then failed to thaw
IVF april/May 09 Chemical pregnancy
IVF Nov 09, 1 lovely on board! It's a BFP!!!

[Rozzie]

Beaches, I've no words of wisdom but I have felt as bad as you. I think Tuscany is right, the more cycles you go through the worse it gets. Based on the statistics you feel you must be due your BFP this time round, especially if you've done something major like switch clinics or go down the donor route. The last BFN I got was truely awful and it took me a couple of months to move on from it and think about what to do next. When some time has passed you might have a bit of clarity. Try to give yourself some credit for all you've done - you both really have pulled out all the stops. It's just such a disappointment when it doesn't work... I'm really sorry you're going through this.
_________________
TTC since 2006,
Me 35, DH 41
MFI, pcos, mild endo.
Clomid/nolvadex 6 months 08
ICSI # 1 Feb 09 BFN
FET July 09 BFN
ICSI #2 Nov 09 didn't make blast - no transfer
ICSI #3 April 10 OHSS risk - no transfer (3 blasts frozen)
FET scheduled for July 10

[Beaches]

You guys are so lovely and you've all been through sooo much. Thank you for all the advice it's amazing to speak with people who actually know how you feel.
I'm looking into autoimmunity at the moment TaraM. I've had anti phospholipid antibodies, cardiolipin etc all done at the end of last year and they were fine apparently.
Considering having natural killer cells looked at now (you know the Alan Beer theory), its a bit of an ordeal though cos we'd have to go to the uk - though that may be on the cards next month. My head is fit to explode actually as I'm trying to organise an AMH test at the moment too and as you know it's not one of the straight forward bloods your GP can do.

Oh to switch off. I'd love if they could just knock me out now and wake me up in a few months looking at my babys heart beating on the ultrasound monitor!!

xx